For most of my life, I always thought that there would never be enough ___ to make me finally happy.
Whether it was toys and video games courtesy of my parents’ gratitude, attention from the cute guys I met and instantly “fell for” in college, an intense amount of junk food, cheap liquor, expensive weed, good (or bad) sex, you name it. There was always something missing, a mysterious, inscrutable void that I could never truly see, no matter how much I wanted to. Or rather, I wouldn’t let myself see past the horrific combination of trauma and lack of alignment and understanding of what Love truly is.
I kept trying to treat symptoms of feeling unfulfilled and unloved by wiping at my self-inflicted wounds with “love” notes from Stephen or greasy napkins from Dominos. There was always more to be had in life, and I always strove to get it, no matter who or what got in my way, including morals. In that sense, I learned a lot about determination, even if it was at the expense of my emotional intelligence and consideration of my longevity until well into my 20s.
Even now, as I write this, a small, wounded part of me still struggles with that Millennial plight. We are journeying far and wide soon, and I am still unsure of where to go. What to do with my life? Where will you have mail delivered? Where will you work? Should I work? Do I need to be doing some far-flung, mystical job that I just cannot see yet?
Many questions when it comes to how we heal and recognize poisonous patterns within ourselves. Fear and clinging to old paradigms about what life should be for me. But remaining balanced can come at the cost of brief moments of attention for 31 perfect little potatoes in the garden.
Something as simple as 31 little potatoes show us what gratitude, even in our lowest moments, can do for us. The miracles it works. Those potatoes there were with us through some heavy, emotional shit. Months of shifts, changes, anxiety, tension, sorrow, joy, laughter, radiance, splendor, perfection, and delight. Through everything that makes us uniquely positioned to be able to know these things within ourselves. Gratitude can take you to heights that you never knew existed.
You are never hungry for love, because you ARE Love.
You never have to fear going without, because you ARE Plenty.
You never have to fix your brokenness, because you are WHOLE.
Whisper these gentle words to yourself in those quiet moments. Those moments when it feels like there’s no hope, or that you’re not good enough. Love permeates everything you are from the inside out, and that is always enough.