This really fucking sucks.
I feel like an addict on hiatus after rehab that’s trying his best not to think about the very thing that he really, really wants right now.
I also feel alright.
The times when we are closest to God tend to be when we are children, when we are at the end of our lives, and when things are simply quiet. Especially our minds. Especially especially when we omit the tethers to distraction of our minds that sit in our pockets or are scrolled through all day, every day.
The Internet and Apple and the entire technology zoo keeps us connected in ways that are unprecedented, and overload us with content, opinions, arguments, memes, horrors and pleasures and everything we could ever want. And it is supremely addictive in ways that boggle my mind. We aren’t meant to consume this virtually infinite supply of information naturally, and we cannot, since it is all accessible instantaneously and rests in the palms of our hands for a $40 a month contract. As a result, we expect the same from every other avenue of our lives. We want the most return for the least amount of effort. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing, but playing the long game requires investments of time and attention. Creating something from nothing takes effort.
Stepping away from social media, video games and distraction via a neverending cavalcade of YouTube videos that I love to play in the background is proving to be a serious challenge, one that is bringing to light a lot of emotional dysregulation that I didn’t think I would struggle with to this extent. It arises as a trauma response, and a way to cope with feelings of abandonment. After all, my iPhone is gonna stick around no matter how fucked up I am. It’s a disappointing cycle, then I get resentful about my dependency, then I want the thing I can’t have even more because I feel like shit, which makes me even more disappointed.
But at the same time, I’m looking at the bigger picture. I’m looking at the reasons why I’m taking a break from distraction in general, along with why I’m struggling to stay true, even though it’s only been an afternoon, and there’s so much more time left ahead.
It is so much easier to distract myself from difficult emotions than it is to sit with them and find out where they come from. The time that I invest into improving myself is proportional to the bounty I will reap at the end of these 28 days. I spend the majority of my time distracted in some way, sidestepping difficult conversations, mental traps, ego traps, unregulated responses to stimuli, emotional triggers, unpleasant emotions, unpleasant thought patterns, and everything in between and adjacent. I make excuses for why I don’t use my time more wisely, and get resentful when my investments are questioned. What could come of my life should I divert my attention to things that serve me? My spiritual practice, meditation, spending time with my family uninterrupted, growing as a person, facing my demons, standing sovereign and supreme with my alignment, being more emotionally mature and intelligent, finding ways to support my existence that bring me joy. These are just a few options of the infinite.
I am far from being the person that has all the answers. I can pontificate and spew wisdom ad nauseam, but it’s very different when I’m in the one in the kitchen feeling all this heat. Stepping away from Bailey Sarian and Nintendo and thirst traps and shitposts is not a great time right now. I’m on a pendulum between positive mental attitude, but I”m letting myself feel the ugly and the wild. Even if it hurts and sucks.
If only because I know that the part of me which emanates from All will still be there to hold my hand and tell me that I won’t just be okay.