I can heal myself.

I, like so many, have lived in constant pain. When I was teenager working at a pizza arcade known for having socially accepted rats, I had an accident involving 2 500 degree pizza’s falling on my back as I tumbled onto a line up of highchairs. This resulted in a few 2nd degree burns, but primarily a slipped disk in my back.

When I was 15, I fell off a two story building in my attempts to be the next Parkour master. Nothing broken, but surely and forever shocked. I’ve torn my meniscus and had to have it repaired after dropping a king sized bed on my knee.

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These are only a few of those examples in my life where pain and bodily harm have left me in a state of acute mindfulness. Where I was keenly aware of the swelling, the nerve damage, and the lingering ache that wouldn’t go away, so much so that I would make the typical deals with whatever God would hear me. If they would heal me, recover me, I would never treat my body so harshly…

Now the actuality of my ability to uphold these promises to myself was always challenged the minute that time granted me peace from the pain. I was immediately back to the same shit that had left me wounded and broken.

TLDR: I was as a kid and am as an adult, very aware of the constant pains which belong to the choices of my adolescence.

The challenge for me really came when I had my daughter. I dreamed of being able to run, to chase and to play with her, but whenever I tried that pain, and those scars kept me from being able to go very far. I was broken inside when she would call me run and I couldn’t. When my mind would create those cruel situations of rare possibility and in them, it would highlight and emphasize how inept I was if they came to be.

Eventually this pressure from my mind and world drove me to corrective surgery and to start physical therapy to rebuild the lost strength. In this time, I started to ask questions about how if I was left on my own would I have recovered from this? How could I have survived something that if in nature, in the wilds of the world, I would have been more then likely meal to something else. I was forced to be reliant on the people around me verse myself. While in recovery from the surgery, I couldn’t do anything by myself. Walking, eating, shitting, all required me to have to ask for help. This was fatal to my pride.

I eventually recovered and there I had to accept that I wasn’t able to control my healing. I had to ask for help day in and day out. The only way I had been able to do anything that I did before, was at the kindness of my family and their willingness to help me.

While defeated in my pride, but victorious because of time; I spent the next 5 years searching and studying for what I could do to either prevent moments like the last from happening again, or how I could be the cause for their restoration. I learned a lot, most of it all informing me of the set limits to my physical self. I saw how generations of people approached healing. How they viewed the body and the selves within it. Some of it was like walking through a dream; I remembered it but only when a trigger brought something to the surface. At the end of my research, I was left feeling like I didn’t really know who or what I was. I knew that I clearly wasn’t all animal, nor all divine. I was and am actively caught between more world than I can understand. I know that I am a part of the entire world that I perceive and even more so, those that I can’t.

I spent a few years reviewing different theological systems, beliefs, world views; Experiencing rituals, DNA Activations, Past Life Trauma Therapies, Shamanic Dream workings, sweats, and more that I cannot write here for the obligations taken. In summary, I tried a lot and felt a lot. Of all of them, I found that the “I am” or “I” was at the center of it. Whenever I was able to make contact with “God” or the “All”, the intangible pull towards something greater, it was because I had, or was understanding something on a greater and deeper level. It was based in my experiences, my at time warped perspectives of the very “hard” world around me, that affirmed for me that my shallow view in this dimension wasn’t valid. Everywhere I turned, I was experiencing correlation and correspondence that affirmed there was more to the world, more to me and how I could engage with the varying parts of me.

Soon I was understanding why the rituals and journeys, past life regression, and etc had actually been able to create an experience within me. I found that I personally could use the experiences and truths seen in nature, in my anatomy, in the stars even, to heal the places I found trauma emanating from disorder and chaos.

I realized that when I looked to the world around me, I could see all of the lessons for understanding how and why I was the way I am. I found my breath mirrored in the breeze, my vision carried across the widest of seas.

I choose to see.

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