Beyond the word.

I feel like Love is one of those huge, god-tier abstract concepts through which anyone can find a long-starved part of themselves that needs nurturing and attention. By that I mean that many of us, myself included, have always looked for Love in all the places where it may not be waiting for us. 

At least I know I always did, and it always stemmed from this need for my existence to be validated by someone else, particularly a man that chose to love me, rather than from the seemingly inherent way that relatives loved me. I wanted unconditional love that chose me. It was rooted into a long since-passed daddy issues arc that I am healing to this day. 

Especially now that I’m 30, and have only been in one very toxic relationship (not due to any one person being at fault) that lasted seven months over six years ago, Love, specifically with the big “L,” is the entirety of my focus. I am one that would easily fall into anxious attachment to anyone that I am in some sort of relationship with, whether it was a new or established connection. I would always look to that person or those people for validation that I was worth having around and loving…

At this point, having loved, been loved, and as I continue to love and be loved, I’ve realized that I’m pretty fucking amazing. That voice in my head that would chime in with “not-good-enough” is much quieter, and my relationship with myself is all the better for it. By extension, my current and future relationships are as well, and it leaves so much room for genuine excitement and grounded presence when I’m interacting with people. My sense of sovereignty comes from within, irrespective of my relationship status. Although genuine connections are of course welcome. 

There isn’t some secret sauce that I slathered onto my love battle wounds. I just decided to love myself the way God does. I chose to declare my boundaries, show myself kindness, find a sense of discipline and love myself in ways that I never had before. 

I nurture my mind, my body and soul. I low myself to feel emotions, even if they’re uncomfortable, without being judgmental or hateful. I love myself the way my future husband/wife/spouse should and will love me. That way, they only add to my joy in life, rather than being the sole source of it. 

In years past, I’d say from about age 14 to my late 20s, and probably even before then, Love in the romantic sense was something that I cleaved to desperately in order to begin establishing meaning in my life. I still had ambitions and desires of my own, to be sure, but they were always amended to include the perfect Italian man that would be mine forever and ever while living in an overpriced villa in Rome. 

These days, I do still desire loving, healing and genuine connection with people, but there isn’t this pressure on my behalf that can inevitably choke the life out of relationships if I were to let it. Now my relationships are healthy and full of so much divine Love that is totally and entirely free and unconditional. 

I try to Love others as God does, and that’s how that Love will find you. 

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